Awareness of Insecurity
“All cruelty springs from weakness.” ― Seneca
At its core, insecurity is a social response. It is the fear of social rejection. The stronger your attachment to social approval, the stronger your insecurity will be.
There is no such thing as objective worth for the most part. Your worth is a function of yourself when compared to other people. When you perceive yourself to fall outside of those expected averages, you will experience insecurity. Insecurity is comparative.
Think about something you are insecure about.
Would you still care about that thing if you were the last person on earth? If there was nothing to compare to?
You likely wouldn’t.
You cannot be insecure about your height unless there are people taller than you.
You cannot be insecure about your appearance unless there are people better looking than you.
You cannot be insecure about your intelligence unless there are people smarter than you.
You cannot be insecure about anything without someone to compare to.
Insecurity only appears in a social context where we have others to compare to. Others whose approval we seek. Why do we seek the approval of others?
It’s ingrained in our biology to want to fit into our tribe. Being an outsider would historically have led to our deaths since we could not survive on our own. Social status was previously quite literally a life or death situation for us. I believe this is why our attachment to social acceptance seems so important in our minds. And as with any attachment, it is accompanied by a fear of loss.
The fear of loss of social status manifests itself as insecurity in the modern age.
Are we all equally insecure?
You will be more attached to social approval if you are more afraid. If you internally perceive yourself as weak, incapable or lacking in some way, you will believe it more necessary to gain acceptance from the people around you (since you need them to survive).
If you are not confident in your own ability, or you do not believe your social value is self evident, you will attempt to control the narrative through what you communicate. These are inherent defense mechanisms that the insecure individual employs to subconsciously persuade the group of their value.
Some common signs of an insecure individual: (I believe these are done subconsciously rather than in a consciously Machiavellian way)
Criticizing or verballing putting down others with the intent of making it known their relative difference in social value. An insecure person will constantly be comparing himself to others and will attempt to ensure that any opportunity to lower another person’s social value is taken (whether directly to them while in front of others, or indirectly by the way of malicious gossip with common associates).
In contrast, the secure individual does not attempt to lower the value of those around him, rather he attempts to lift them up. He will criticize, but only from a place of good intention for the other person. He will not do it with the intention of lowering them, but rather of raising them. He does this because he does not fear his place in the social hierarchy.
You will find that insecure people tend to bring others down. In some cases they will bring others down on the particular things they themselves are insecure about. This all makes sense and has its function psychologically. They will often seize on chances to communicate their value relative to others, whether consciously or unconsciously.
Another manifestation of insecurity is to brag & show off either directly or indirectly. Bragging is another attempt to control the narrative through words rather than show, by signaling to others one’s own importance and therefore value in the tribe. Bragging would not occur if what being bragged about was clearly self evident.
“It is just charming how people boast about qualities beyond their control. For instance, ‘I am better than you because I have many estates, while you are practically starving’; or, ‘I’m a consul,’ ‘I’m a governor,’ or ‘I have fine curly hair.’ ― Marcus Aurelius
Although your objective value may change, many people hold onto insecurities that were once based in reality. A poor person who becomes rich can often remain insecure about their money. An ugly person that becomes attractive can often remain insecure about their appearance. Insecurity at the end of the day is based in relative self perception rather than objective reality. Although they are often intertwined, they can also be completely detached from each other. It is all perspective based in a person’s own mind (therefore insecurity can be eliminated with a change of mindset, irrespective of external change).
Rap culture is rife with bold signals of wealth (expensive clothes, cars & jewellery) by rappers who for the most part started in a culture where being poor was a real fear.
To summarize, we will only verbally bring ourselves up or put others down when we subconsciously fear for our social status. Once a person no longer feels scarcity or fear for this, he will cease to magnify its importance, and he will cease to consciously signal his relative value to his peers.
There is absolutely no reason to show off or bring others down without the existence of deeper, internal fear. There is no reason to control the social narrative unless your worth in it was not already self evident (from your perspective).
This is where we find the difference between ego and confidence. Ego is the idea of one’s own identity within a social context. In other words, it is the idea we have of ourselves from a third person perspective. It is a person’s attachment to who they believe they are perceived as. An attachment to externally perceived identity. Because of this, a large ego cannot be separated from high levels of insecurity. It is necessarily evident that the stronger your attachment to the idea of yourself in a social context, the more you value it. The more you value it, the more you will fear losing it. The more you fear losing it, the greater your insecurity.
Conversely, confidence is a lack of attachment to the social perception of oneself. Therefore it is possible to be confident no matter what one’s objective value may be. Confidence is simply the lack of attachment, and consequently, the lack of fear. To be confident, is to not be attached to social approval. In this way, confidence can be seen as the complete opposite of ego. We often hear the phrase “Ego is loud, confidence is quiet”. A confident person’s value is self evident from their perspective. An ego requires attention and external reassurance.
No confidence is to think lowly of yourself
Fake confidence is to think highly of yourself
Real confidence is to not think about yourself
We see attention seeking as another feature of an insecure individual. A person who exhibits the characteristic of attention seeking does so because he has no internal confidence, and therefore relies on the opinions of others to assure his own value. In this sense, the attention seeker is attempting to bolster their own perceived value within a social context (i.e. Ego). The attention seeker feeds his ego, but will not gain confidence, and will continue to experience large amounts of insecurity no matter how much attention is gained. Avid social media users are often an example of this type of person.
There is no reason to seek attention of any kind unless you seek approval. You do not seek approval unless you are insecure in some way.
“If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval. Realize that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own.” ― Epictetus
A common feature of the insecure person is their attempt to control perceived social worth through signaling rather than self improvement.
An identity only has value in a social environment. You do not think of your own identity unless you are attempting to manage it. You only attempt to manage it if you are afraid.
You do not try to talk up or show off your intelligence in front of a child. Yet you often try to do this in front of someone who you perceive as more intelligent than you. There is no perceived threat from the child. Your relative value is clearly self evident from your perspective.
When this relative value is self-evident, you do not employ the strategies of bragging (attempting to increase your perceived value) nor talking down on others (attempting to decrease others perceived value).
You do not attempt to criticize the attractiveness of a deformed person, or the height of a dwarf. Rather, you often attempt to make them feel better about themselves. We call the extremely ugly & fat people beautiful. In these interactions you do not feel insecurity, and you are free to display confidence. The more confident you become, the more you take this mindset with all people.
The more secure you become, the more kind you become.
There are other, less obvious signs of insecurity within an individual. Take for example the person who values a compliment. In order to value a compliment, you must have your identity contingent upon your perceived value in a social context (ego). If you value praise, you will also value disapproval. This mindset is a feature of insecurity.
“A thing is neither better nor worse for having been praised.” ― Marcus Aurelius
You must employ the mindset that you are as is. You must seek to improve for the sake of benefitting yourself and those around you. Not out of a need for approval. Not out of fear. Do not put down the people around you, encourage them and bring them up. Do not speak badly of people, try to show them better. Do not persuade others of your worth, or seek attention. Show who you are through your actions and results. Do not live for others approval.
Your value is either self evident or it is not.
Focus on improving your actual value rather than perceived value.
Stop being afraid, stop being attached. Stop being insecure. Start being confident.
